


Kizuna Headcanon for Reiji

by LStar



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, angsty oof, based on Reijis pov in season 4 episode 2 aka "kizuna", gay at a later point, headcanon oneshot, reijis depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 14:16:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LStar/pseuds/LStar
Summary: When watching the Uta no Prince Sama anime, did you ever wonder once you got to season 4 episode 2, what was Reiji doing the whole time? Surely he wasn't just driving or something!This is a headcanon fic, Kizuna, written in Reiji's point of view, and a little after headcanon.I can't explain things or title anything, god help me.





	Kizuna Headcanon for Reiji

**Author's Note:**

> So, like the summary said, this is basically what I headcanon Reiji was doing during the day, when Ai, Ranmaru and Camus were working, and uh, the likes. I've actually had these headcanons in mind for a long time now, but I only just now got the motivation to write it down and post it! So, EVERYTHING I write on this is a headcanon in his thought process, and so on.

 

Air. That's what he needed right now. The moment Reiji left the apartment complex, he hopped in his green car and drove off, his mind whirring. He felt dizzy, he felt sick, overwhelmed...just what in gods name happened? Why did it all turn out this way? Reiji just wanted to strengthen the bonds of Quartet Night, it'd help them grow as a band, and, even make their careers go further. So why?

Why did his plan backfire?

Reiji knew he was running away. He knew that was cowardly. But what was he supposed to do? He was terrified. The three other members of Quartet Night had turn their aggression onto him, all three ganging up on him, telling him it was his fault.

It...reminded him of Aine.

His throat constricted. Oh god, Aine... his grip on the steering wheel tightened, his eyes watering slightly. No. He can't cry now. He didn't have the right to. But, it made sense, right? Hibiki and Kei were close friends alongside him and Aine, and the moment Aine had decided to take that final plunge into the ocean, was the moment that would change Reiji's life forever. When word got out of Aine's suicide, the reactions were instantaneous. Hibiki and Kei had turned their anger on him when he approached them, bewildered when they began shouting in fury. "It's your fault!" Hibiki had yelled, "you killed Aine!" he was so angry, he couldn't even cry. Kei had glared at him as well. "You disgust me, Kotobuki, how can you live with yourself? It should've been you, not Aine!"

A dry laugh bubbled up to Reiji's lips.

"Hibiki and Kei were right, Aine," Reiji whispered as he turned the car in the direction of the beach. "It should have been me. What was I thinking? Trying to make the Quartet Night become united as one group? I'm not fit for that role. I'm me..." he sighed, biting his lower lip, "but, you're probably laughing at me now as we speak, huh, buddy?" he parked his car in the parking lot area to the beach and stepped out, closing the door and walking in the direction of warm sand and cool ocean.

Fear rose and spread through his body like wildfire. Did...he really just disband the Quartet Night? After all of his efforts? After all this time? He was truly a failure, wasn't he? He wasn't needed, though, surely the three males residing in the apartment were celebrating by now. Happy. Happy that he was gone. Tears made their way to his gray eyes before they spilled down his cheeks. Yeah. He was just a burden to them. They said so themselves. It was his fault that they were arguing. It was his fault everyone was upset. His fault...his fault...

His fault Aine was dead...

Reiji shook his head.  _Stop that._ He told himself. But...he couldn't help it. The situation felt eerily similar to when Aine committed suicide.

Was it the knawing, gaping emptiness he felt inside? Or was it the horror and guilt he felt for being so stupid? Honestly, for all Reiji knew, it could be both. Actually, it very likely was both.

But even so, since both situations were so similar, does that not mean he didn't have the right to cry?

Furiously, Reiji wiped at his tears, struggling to get rid of the traitorous stains lingering on his face. His heart ached. It hurt. Everything hurt. It always did, when he was rebuked for his excessive attitude. It hurt when his attempts of group bonding failed. It hurt when even Nanami couldn't find the real him. Sure, he was being vague, but he couldn't lie to her.  _"I didn't think you'd find the real me,"_ he'd told her.

 _And I was right._ Were his unspoken words. He wanted to tell her this, but he couldn't, not with the confused look she'd been giving him. "I..." he started to tell her, but chickened out. He couldn't be mean about it. But he couldn't leave his sentence hanging. "...love you." What? He was gay, and thought of her as a sister. He instantly had passed it off as a joke, and she seemed to forget about it.

Staring out at the ocean, Reiji felt closer to Aine. This was the same ocean Aine had leapt into that fateful day so many years ago, wasn't it? He got closer to the water, staring out at it. "Aine..." he spoke quietly, "I'm so...so sorry. I tried to become like you when you left us. When you left me. But I failed. I failed everyone, like I failed you. Everybody hates me..." he closed his eyes, his lips pressing tightly together. "My coworkers. My kouhais. Everything I do irritates them. It's as if they know I'm a failure and don't want to be near me. I..." his eyes slowly opened as he looked down at the palms of his hands. "What's wrong with me? Why..? Why am I so selfish? I didn't want for any of this to happen. If I knew what you were planning, I would have stopped you. If I knew the Quartet Night would end up like this, I wouldn't have forced us to live together." His hands closed into fists. "But I was stupid. I made all the wrong decisions. Again."

Inevitably, the tears he'd been forcing himself to stop began dripping from his eyes again. He didn't bother to stop them this time. Briefly, he wondered, what it would be like to drown? What would it be like, if he just walked in the water, and kept going, until the ground disappears, and he falls in? Is this the temptation Aine felt?

With a start, Reiji noticed the sun setting.

How long was he standing there, lost in his own tormented thoughts?

He left in the late morning.

Shaking his head, Reiji made up his mind. He had to go through with it. Him dying was the only answer at this point. It was the only way he could atone for every wrongful decision he's made. For Quartet Night. For his kouhais. For STARISH. For his family. For Aine. It's not like anyone would miss him anyway, right? His kouhais always pushed him away, gave him odd looks, and did things for themselves, he wasn't needed. His band hated him. Today proved that. Nanami would probably care, but she'd get over it. She has ten other guys, seventeen if you counted Heavens, fawning over her, she'd forget about him quickly. His mother and older sister would care, but honestly? He never even talks to them that much anymore, he's thrown himself into idol work so his mind can be in a happy place during the day. He prefers to be busy so his dark thoughts wouldn't consume him. But at that price, he couldn't talk to his mother or sister. Would that count as a wrong decision too?

Reiji leaned over, folding his pant legs up to his shins. Before he started walking, he paused.

He...should call someone. Like Aine did.

But...who..?

Reiji fished for his phone from his pocket, blinking. No new calls, no new messages. Ha...what else was new? He scrolled through his contacts, pausing when he saw Ryuya Hyuga's contact. He was...a good person to call. He wouldn't push or ask questions, he'd let his band know that he was quitting and maybe give them some parting words before the disbandment was finalized, it was a good idea. So, that's exactly who he called.

His phone rang...once...twice...

Hyuga picked up the phone after the third ring.

"Hey, Reiji," Hyuga sounded surprised to hear from him. Made sense, they didn't exactly talk on a day to day basis. Reiji took a deep breath before speaking. He had to try to sound normal. He couldn't let him know what he was planning. "Hey," his voice cracked. So much for sounding normal. "Reiji? What's wrong?" Hyuga knew something was wrong. Okay, Plan B. Be vague as possible. "Ryuya-senpai, I'm sorry. But, I don't think I can do this anymore." That...sounded like he was simply quitting, right? It was his way of letting him know subtlety that he was going to end his life. But, Hyuga probably didn't think someone like Reiji would kill himself.

"Reiji? What are you-?" Before he could finish, Reiji pulled the phone from his ear, and pressed End Call. He had nothing else to say to him. If he did, he'd for sure end up breaking down again. He stared at his phone. Before he pocketed it, it began ringing, much to his shock. But it wasn't from Hyuga.

The name  _Ai-Ai_ flashed his screen. He stared at it, his eyes wide. Why was Ai-Ai calling him? He wasn't the type to call someone just to go off on them. Was....he worried? About _him_? He found that hard to believe. Though his heart did this stupid little flip. Right, he did have a crush on his coworker but...that's all they were. Coworkers. Ai-Ai was just calling him because he had work to attend. That's all. When his phone stopped ringing, it was silent for a moment, and then it began ringing again. From Ai-Ai. His lips parted in a small 'o' as he stared at the name. No. They were just coworkers, they were all mad at him, they all hated him. _Please, please don't make this hard._

When his phone stopped ringing again, Reiji turned it off. He couldn't bear to see the name again. He promised himself he'd go through with this. He'd follow Aine, like he was supposed to.

"The sky is so pretty at this time, isn't it?" A voice said beside him. Reiji jumped slightly, turning. There was a lady, an old lady, probably in her late seventies, standing there, leaning on a cane, smiling. "...Yeah, it is," Reiji murmured. Well, at least he got to see this pretty view before ending it all.

"But you aren't here for the view, are you, young man?" she questioned, staring up at him with crinkled brown eyes. "You could say that," Reiji laughed a little bit, his heart almost stopping. She scrutinized him for a moment, shaking her head. "I will never understand how the youths can throw away their lives so easily," she remarked.

"I...what?" Reiji was stunned. How did she know..?

"I have a grandson who ended his life after his wife did the same. Sweet things were so young. They were in their mid-twenties," she shook her head, sadness evident in her eyes. "This was about seven years ago now, it still haunts the family," she said.

Reiji could relate to that.

"Young man, whatever you are going through isn't as bad as you think it is," she said. Reiji stared at her. "...And if it is?" he asked. She shook her head. "No, there will always be someone who relies on you," she smiled a little bit, "right, Reiji Kotobuki?"

Ah. So she did know him. Lots of people did, but she was talking to him as if he was just a random stranger.

"I'm afraid you got it wrong," Reiji chuckled humorlessly, "I make mistakes left and right. I made my own bandmates hate me," he said. She glanced at him. "But they still care about you, even if you think they hate you."

Reiji paused. If...they did still care...then that'd make Ai-Ai's phone calls make sense but...

"My kouhais push me away too. To everyone, I'm just a clown," he said, in a quieter tone. "But what about your fans? My daughter listens to you and your band whenever she's sad about her son and his wife, it brings her peace and makes her smile, she's told me that the Quartet Night had really helped her through tough times, if you end it now, what about all the people you don't know, who you'd be letting down?"

...

"Just food for thought, dear, there's more to life than pleasing only the people you know," she said, before she hobbled away.

Reiji stared after her, then turned back to the ocean. His heart felt a little bit lighter. He was still very upset, but this old lady had given him a new reason to live. He....supposed he could wait for the Quartet Night to show up. If they really cared, like she claimed, then they'll come.

~

And come they did. It took awhile, but they all showed up, and after hearing what they had to say, Reiji couldn't have been happier.

The four of them were going to go on national tour starting tomorrow. The day had been full of preparations, packing, planning, and they'd even had their song meeting with Nanami about the decisive concert. It was very fulfilling.

That night, Reiji was ready to go to bed, but after he got changed into some gray sweatpants and a plain white shirt, there was quiet, measured knocks at his bedroom door. No one knocked like that except...

"Come on in, Ai-Ai!"

The door opened, and his favorite cyan haired coworker stepped in, moving to close the door behind him. He was in a loosely fitted blue shirt and black shorts, and still wore his socks. "Reiji, I need to talk to you," he said quietly.

"I can tell, what's up?" Reiji asked, smiling. But Ai wasn't smiling. His brows were furrowed. "Reiji, I wasn't able to talk to you throughout the day about this, but it's about the other day," he said. Reiji's smile dimmed down a little bit. "Ah...what about it?" he asked. Ai sat down on one of his chairs and looked at him, his cyan eyes seemed to search for something in his eyes. "I want to know, were you at the beach the whole time?"

Reiji nodded.

"What were you planning?"

"P-planning? I wasn't..."

"You're lying. I asked you a question to test you, and it appears my hypothesis was correct. Reiji, what were you going to do?" Ai asked, his voice hardening slightly. Reiji sighed, closing his eyes. "So, I really can't hide anything from you," he chuckled abit, before looking him in the eye. "I think you have a good guess what I was planning."

Ai stared at him, the edges of his eyes softening, the look in his eyes fading to panic and fear. "Reiji..."

"It seemed like the best solution. I was convinced you all hated me, and that I was a failure, what was I supposed to do?" Reiji asked quietly. Ai just looked more scared. He moved to stand up. "I...no, Reiji, no," he said, moving to sit beside him and...what? Was Ai...

_Hugging him?_

Reiji blinked, caught off guard, but not unhappy.

"Reiji, I'm sorry that we made you feel that way," Ai spoke, his soft and methodical voice in his ear, "I promise we don't hate you. We...all care for you very much, we were just irritated by all the fighting and needed an outlet, and we unfairly used you as that outlet. We should never have done that. You were right, we do need to work on group bonding, even if we already have some of them. We just didn't see that until you left, and I'm so sorry...for putting you through all of that. It was horrible of us to do that, and I hope you can forgive us."

Reiji smiled, slowly returning the hug. "It's alright, Ai-Ai, I forgive you. All of you," he said.

Ai's grip on him tightened. "You mean...the world to us. To me," he said, "when you didn't answer your phone, I was confused, and I was...worried. Terrified, even," he said. He pulled away to look Reiji in the eye. "Please...don't ever do that again. I don't believe I can take going through that again."

Reiji stared at him, his heart pounding. Ai looked confused, but just quietly waited for his reply. "I won't," Reiji said. Ai sighed, relief evident on his face. "I'm glad," he stood to leave. Reiji watched him start heading towards the door before he spoke up. "Hey, Ai-Ai? Would you...sleep with me?"

Ai froze. His face was turning red as he moved to face Reiji. "W-what?" he stuttered. It was oddly adorable.

"Will, you, sleep, with, me?" Reiji repeated, slower.

Ai seemed frazzled for a moment before he slowly joined the older male again. Reiji scooted over for Ai, and once they were both comfortable in bed, he tossed his blanket over the two of them. They laid facing eachother, with Reiji moving to grasp one of Ai's hands. After a moment, Ai gave his hand a gentle squeeze, and he two huddled up, getting some sleep for the night, as they had a big day tomorrow.

The next day, while driving the red car, Reiji couldn't help but adjust the mirror, not to check the road...

But just to get a glimpse of Ai's smiling face.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, remember in the song (you can find it on Dailymotion if you haven't seen it) Reiji fixed his mirror and it was looking at Ai?? Yah, I headcanon this to be why.  
> Hopefully this fic made sense, yall liked it, and can see Utapri in a slightly darker way now.  
> Or maybe you hated everything about it ;P  
> Comments are GREATLY appreciated!!!


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